OUR LONELINESS

Our loneliness fades in intimate mystery
Like love, like desire
In intimate mystery
Like you and I...

I WANTED HER TO DIE

It had been almost a month since I had seen her last. I kept calling her everyday but I just
did not have the courage to face the reality one more time, did not have the strength to see
her melting away, vanishing... did not have the power to watch death sneaking into her
slowly. So yes... it had been a month since I had seen her last. Guilt was all over me. I
thought I was doing a great job covering it with bunch of fake excuses but guilt was all
over me... especially in my heart.
Mom was all alone in that house dying...that house once we called home. She was all alone I
knew... and I knew the house was dark, cold and dying together with her. And I knew I was
scared to death.
----
There was no light on the windows. That hurt. Hurt deep down inside. I opened the door. The
house smelled bad... like the breath of an old person... like a damp carpet... I walked through the dark living room and the dark hallway into her dark bedroom where she
was lying lonely.
In thirty days she aged thirty years. This fragile, small, sad looking old creature was so
far from the good old days. The days of laughter, silly jokes,dances; The days of early
mornings, tea and feta cheese; The days of newspapers in bed, TV shows and politics; The
days of cooking, eating and singing. She was too far from herself and the guilt was all over
me... and I just wanted her to die.
----
She called me and said she wanted fish. Fresh ones from the fish market. This women who
couldn't eat even a piece of bread wanted fish. Fresh ones. She sounded lively. She wanted
me to hurry.
The house smelled the same. I could hear the TV in the background. The living room was still
dark but there was light in her room. She was sitting in her bed and watching her favorite
show. There was that day's paper on her bed. She smiled at me... commented on some news on
the paper. Complained about the new president and laughed at the jokes in the show. Then
asked me to cook the fish for her... She was hungry she said... Hungry for fish. This woman
who couldn't even drink a sip of water was hungry. I was puzzled... and angry. For the last
seven days I was sitting with her in the dark,counting her weak breaths, watching her melt
away... but today she was hungry and I just wanted her to die...
----
I sat in the dark with her. She was half sleeping... All I could hear was her short, fast breaths keeping her hang there somewhere between life and death. She wanted me to open the windows to feel the cool air on her face. I covered her. A baby cried outside. I saw her smile. She wanted me to promise that I would come the next day. I promised.
---
"She passed away" my brother said on the phone. I took a shower... a long one. And sang a song. I wanted her to die and I didn't feel guilty.

What Do You Say

You tell me which street I should pass by,
Which house I should enter, you tell me...
And
Through which window I should look at life...
I wonder if I shoud draw the curtains,
What about the doors?
Or may be in my own street,
In my own house,
And through my own window
I should love you,
Just hiding behind the door...
What do you say?